Because I Can’t Sleep

I don’t think I’ve mentioned this but I am officially moved in with my boyfriend Dean. 

It’s been a lil rough and rocky, cause we are trying to make sure we are seated on a good lump of savings and figure out how we split up the bills. We have also both gained a lil weight and are going to the gym now. Gym is awful but we try to have fun. I’ve had a lot of trust issues, not because he’s given me a reason, but because I’ve been insecure and I want to be his like dream girl so he doesn’t look somewhere else. I think I’m overthinking all the time and it makes the changes hard. But I know he loves me. I need to write that more and believe it more.

I’m still doing a lot of self discovery. I realized a lot of issues in my childhood made me poorly adjusted but I know I can overcome them. I just need time. 

I need to write more but I also need to try to sleep…. Got a new job and quit Walmart. I’m a cake decorator at Dairy Queen. I love it and they love me. 

I made this dragon today and got a lot of compliments. It’s awesome.

Well goodnight people. Til we meet again. 

Valentine’s Day Post

It’s Valentine’s Day, and so close to my 20th birth day I can’t believe it. 

Things are really looking up for the apartment that Dean and I have.  I’m still moving in in march, and I’m hella excited for it. We still don’t have a LOT but we gave enough for right now. And that works. 

There really isn’t a better feeling right now, than getting to lay with the love of my life at a night. It’s wonderful. And I’m so proud of him for trying to get things toget her and findingredients a job, even if it’s crappy pay, and all the other little sweet things he does for me, like get me dinner and by sweets and stuffed animals and coloring books, and working hard to better himself so he can support the both of us. I love him to death. I feel bad when he says he feels like he doesn’t do enough for me when he does the most with the resources that he has. 

I know we aren’t the model of a perfect relationship, but I feel like we are pretty damn close. And not because of what we do together, but that we focus on doing what works for us, and not trying to show off that we are perfect, we are just great for eachother…

I wish I would have finished this post the other night when I had all these emotions and love flowing through me. But I’m a bit tired today. 

Y’all have a happy Valentine’s Day!

Help

So Dean and I are trying to figure things out. We have a payment plan worked out. It’s a little Rocky but I think that we can do it. 

It’s hard because I did sort of lose my temper over him just talking to me about it because he did it in a tone that sounded degrading made it sound like if I can’t put things on the table then he’ll find a different roommate. That’s a little harsh you know. I said before a lot that I want to make things work, and I know he’s not in a great position to fully support himself. But neither am I. Eck. Idk. I just want things to work without being horrible. I’m not so much worried about the money as I am about maintaining the relationship, cause this is very new to me. Hope it goes well.

While I’m At It

While I’m actually taking the time to update my blog and such, I might as well post about a few things while I am thinking about it. 

So I have been trying to work on not being such a control freak. Like I realized I get really hard on others and myself for things that are out of my control and my aunt has been calling me a dictator about my boyfriend lately, so I want to back off. In which I realized backing off is hard because while he is an adult of course, but sometimes he is forgetful or doesn’t seem to want to do things or make decisions so I have to crawl up in his ass so he does something. I want to be encouraging but not controlling. But it’s hard to find that medium that is more encouraging than being a dictator. 

I’m not even sure how to feel about it sometimes. Like I don’t know if I should just step out completely or if I should be there to make sure he is doing the right thing and be able to work as a team to move forward together. Eck. 

I know this might be rough when we move in together, but I think it will be good, because then I can be sure that he can get to things like work, and classes, and other stuff and he doesn’t have to rely on other people, and I am in closer access so that I don’t have to drive to the edge of town and stuff. I think that we can help each other grow together if we are in closer contact with each other. I just have to work on being more patient and less sensitive, that’s the big issue on my part. 

Hope all goes well. We will find out in March. 

School

Things have been a lot smoother since I made the decision to skip out on college choir for this semester. It’s mostly because I’ve decided to move in with my boyfriend in March, and I want the time to adjust to living with him, and that will be difficult with choir because of how demanding my professor is. It was awkward seeing the professor at Walmart and he asked me if I was going to be in choir, to which I responded no, and then he kinda made a funny face. I said I might consider next semester, but it all depends on how I have been feeling. 

So far I like all of my classes. They seem to be centered in self betterment and self improvement, and that’s something I’ve been trying to do, albeit slowly. I do want to shape up before moving in with my honey because I think that emotionally I am not in a good place to handle like stress and conflict and other such issues. But I do want to make things work with babe and to have a good life. I want to be able to have guests over and have a good time. 

But I don’t think school is going to be too overly difficult. It seems like it’s mostly going to be a lot of little assignments and attending class and I think that will be easier. I just want to be able to graduate and earn a degree so I can go on to be certified in medical tech professions. I hope everything goes according to plan.

Well…

I’m not really sure what to talk about right now. I know there are a few things I need to go in depth about but I don’t know if I have the patience to cover everything. All I know is that right now I’m hella bored and still at Dean’s. I WISH HE’D WAKE UP AND LOVE ON ME. But it’s fine lol. I think I should be getting my new phone today too and I’m excited for that. I kinda wish this week was over though. I’ve been super crampy and hurting and I feel horrible. I know tomorrow my friends want to play dirty Santa and etc. And then I will be playing dirty Santa with my family on Christmas. 

The great thing will be my mom hosting Christmas this year and her place. She usually never gets me anything on Christmas and says she has no money to (liar) but since she wants everyone to come over I wonder if she got little gifts this time. I meant it doesn’t have to be much. It’s the thought that counts. 

But anyway I’m going to be bringing Dean along for the holidays and that should be fun, I hope. My dad seems to like him enough and I hope my mom doesn’t freak out about me bringing him. Hopefully Dean gets to meet my brother too, I think my brother will like him, but he’ll probably crush Dean like a soda can 😂😂

There is just like so much going through my head, but like nothing at the same time. Babe said he was gonna get up and cook eggs but he’s still out, so I guess I’ll make them… Maybe. Idk. I’m just bored. 

Ugh

I don’t even know where to begin. I had a post that was supposed to talk about me losing my virginity because in context to the rest of this blog, that’s a pretty big deal. But my phone broke, and I’m using my boyfriend’s phone to update my blog, and hell I thought I’d made a post about him but I guess not. 
Like I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN ANYMORE. 
I SUCK AT BLOGGING NOW. 

But I digress. So instead of trying to back track in detail I’ll just tell you what’s up as quickly as possible. 

After the target parking lot incident I lost my virginity on February 23rd to a short, fiery mechanic. It was a stupid situation, because the guy was a ho and was in an open relationship. None the less we didn’t mess round much more after that, but instead we were more like friends, he helped me out plenty of times with flat tires and an oil change, and we’d hang out, go to car shows and he invited me to a cook out. He’s not a bad cook. Anyway the kid was trouble, but I don’t regret having sex with him. He’s even said that he thought I shouldn’t have lost my virginity to him, and I should have saved it for someone special. You know? He’s not a bad guy. 

Well after messing around with him I talked to some other people on Meet Me, none of them went well. I deleted Meet Me for a while. An old friend came down and visited and encouraged me to get the app again. So I did. I messed around with this guy (who I term the Roach Boy) and he was flithy and tried to like diss me for not wanting to date him and shit. I regret fucking this guy. I so regret it. Cause it was a mistake that could have messed me and my future partner up had I not fixed it. 

And well while I was talking to the Roach Boy I was still on Meet Me talking to another guy. He was really cool to talk to cause we like a lot of the same music and stuff. That cool guy is my boyfriend now. We’ll call him Dean. Dean’s really sweet and he honestly reminds me a lot of myself in some ways, and that’s a trait I usually don’t look for in a guy, is someone like myself. But he’s funny, and sweet, and informational, and weird, and he’s perfect in the most imperfect ways and I love him. We’ve been together since August 1st. Even though it’s been a short time, we went through A LOT in these past few months and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. We are supposed to be moving in together a lot sooner than we previously anticipated, because of issues with his current roommate, and I’ll be replacing his roommate in his current apartment in March. We’re excited and hopefully this will be a good step in our relationship as well as the rest of our lives. And well, we are both still works in progress and we have a lot of ground to make up for him, as well as a lot of college to finish for me, but I think we can make it somewhere, hopefully. 

I’ve been at Walmart for about a year and a half now. Way longer than I thought I’d stay there. I tried to transfer out of the bakery cause of a lot of problems we had there, but the problems died down, and I’m still there. My favorite coworker and close friend, Fenney, ran away to Alabama so her husband could continue college. I’m not sure if I have her a name before but she is my favorite pink haired cake decorating queen and I will miss her dearly. I have to send her a Christmas present soon. I hope her and her husband and daughter do well and have a good life. And if I ever need to, I can run away to Alabama and Fenney said she’ll have a couch for me 😂😂😂

My old poot Honda is still kicking even though she tried to die on me a month or so ago. She’s a good girl. 

Right now I’m laying on the bed on babe’s phone while he plays Counterstrike like the dweeb he is. My chest kinda hurts, cause the weather here in Oklahoma is being bipolar as hell. 

I’ll try to update y’all better in the future. Peace, love, and crabs 😎😘