New Beginnings

Dean and I bought a house at the end of last year. It was like a nice Christmas present. We’ve been able to settle in. We have a cat. We will call him Gargoyle. He’s huge. Big, heavy boy. He meows a lot if you don’t feed him at his breakfast and dinner times. I love him.

Dean and I will have our 3 year wedding anniversary soon! No special plans yet while covid is still around. But hopefully by the end of the year things will normalize.

So I have yet again found advancement in my career path. I went from working at a popular supermarket retail chain, to getting hired to be a pharmacy tech at a local prison! It’s a long drive in the mornings but I get my own little office. I’m so excited! There will be a lot of differences to learn. I’m at my last week now at my supermarket. I really am going to miss a lot of my coworkers. It will be okay. I am glad I was able to learn so much.

I’ve gone back to college, and with the help of VA money, I’m able to make college more affordable! I am going for Bachelor’s in Psychology, and hopefully a Master’s degree, depending on how things go. I think with my new job I am very comfortable with my pay. It’s more than I honestly thought I would get for my age and location. I live in a pretty cheap city. Cost of living is low low low.

Things are really looking up for us and our little family. I’m really excited for what the future holds in store.

Counseling Sessions

7 things to take care of your mental health per my counselor

1. Sleep enough

2. Gratitude, spend 1 minute sitting with your hand on your heart and be grateful for something.

3. Grieving

4. Caring for other people

5. Self compassion

6. Inputting positivity, good affirmations

7. Mindfulness, grounding yourself in the present

I Forgot to Tell You I Did Something Big!

This last year I’ve actually been out of college. It’s been liberating. I had time to mentally recoop and work on myself. Kinda. I focused my time at work and moved my way up from Cake Decorator, to Shift Leader, to Assist Manager! It’s my first job where I ever climbed the ladder! I’m proud of myself for doing this. It was hard though. And I got really depressed at my job. I broke down a lot. I cried. I felt like I was always attacked or talked down to at times. I felt like my words didn’t make a difference. But this last couple of months I got better. I’ve worked on not letting what coworkers say bother me as much. It took me time to realize that I wasn’t disliked more than anyone else there.

Don’t get me wrong. There were (and are) MANY things wrong with the place. I don’t feel like it’s really right to go into detail though. I don’t want to burn bridges. And I do still want to see the place grow after I’ve left. I think that in the end that at least some of the people there are giving their all for the customers. And that’s what’s important. It’s important to me anyway. When I finally grew up a little and starting getting better coping skills, that’s when the big change happened. I got a new, and amazing job opportunity at a place I used to work. I’m going to be a Pharmacy Technician! I’m happy because there will be some familiarity to it, and I have done some growing up since last time I was there, nearly 2 years ago. It’s weird how a little life change can suddenly snap your attitude on life around. It reminded me that what I do isn’t for nothing!

When I took the year off of college, I went to a vocational school. That’s where I took the Pharm Tech classes to get me to this point. I made a really good friend, who is a little crazy but she’s funny and eccentric and makes me laugh in class. She’s competitive but she helps me study. I’ll call her Kathrine. (The K is for Klonopin… She has anxiety and takes Klonopin. And when she does… She becomes Klonopin Kathrine bahahahaha!) She had been really supportive of me like a big sister/mama bird. 🐦 She’s moving after the class but I hope I can keep in touch with her! I wish her so much happiness in her endeavors.

I just, feel like I crossed a bridge. And it’s not like a “oh maybe my rainbow will be on the other side if I keep going” bridge that I’ve written about before. Like no. I got to the other side of the bridge. I have the fucking rainbow! I can taste it! I did something for myself! I went to school, and got a job in my field! And I’m going to be making so much more money! Even my just starting out is better than I make as assistant manager in fast food…

Sad but fast food is just hard place to make money in without working your booty to the limit. I don’t mean this in a bad way though. Fast food is such a good way to grow and get better. Now that I’m a better adult, I realized, that the job itself, the cleaning up, talking to customers, making food, is simple. It’s not easy, but it’s simple. What I mean by that is, if you are good at prioritizing your tasks, then you can accomplish everything you need to do. Now let’s be real, working fast food and making plans is the equivalent of trying to kill a D&D monster and rolling a Nat 1, i.e. shit don’t go according to plan. Machines break down, customers get mad even when you’ve literally done everything you can offer. Like it’s hard at times, and it can be hard on bodies too. But if you are able, you can shine at your job. Customers will notice, especially if you are a front house worker. Not every work environment can be a healthy one though, so make sure to take care of yourself if you find things just aren’t working out.

I just know I wanted to get into a better environment, and I worked hard to get there. I really appreciate everything good that my managers and coworker have done for me. Especially the owner. We got off on the wrong foot like really really bad at first, but I think we got to a point where I could talk to him and he’s being nice… maybe because one time I got yelled at cause I was trash talking and then I cried cause I wasn’t expecting to get yelled at, and then he was like omg didn’t mean to make you cry… (Honestly I’m still really sensitive so I cry a lot. He saw all my tears. He probably thinks I’m coocoo 😂) But he trusts me to get things taken care of, and I helped him out with a lot of extra projects. Like *sarcasm* cool office computer stuff! But like typing stuff that’s important like making Excel spreadsheets of business revenues and costs etc. It was cool to see that in action after taking business classes my last year I was in college. All in all, I appreciate the growth I made there.

I’m just waiting on my background check and drug test to get back to the Pharmacy Technician job. Nothing should pop up but like, don’t wanna accidentally jinx myself! I’m just really excited.

I have more to say but I’m gonna try to make one more blog post! Cya soon!

So I Reread This Blog…

And all I have to say is: WuT?

Who is this depressed and sad person writing this blog? Is that supposed to be me? Why don’t I talk about good stuff more? Like holy guacamole.

But anyway I have to say Dean and I have had our one year marriage anniversary!! Woohoo. It’s been over 2 years together and a year married. I wedding was on October 31st, 2017. I don’t think I even mentioned that yet. Get spoopy kids.

I still have my old Honda. She’s at 199k miles now. She got Dean and I down to Fort Worth, TX for our honeymoon without exploding (we couldn’t afford it last year so we did it this year in October). I hope I can keep my girl for a long time. She’s a little beat up now cause I got into an oddly slow car accident with these old people cause they shot out across a 4 lane traffic street and hit me… Old guy said he didn’t see me… SHOULD YOU EVEN BE DRIVING? I’m glad we all lived and all I had to do was get a new headlight case and a front end alignment. The collision center was too expensive, and my car is technically totaled now, but they sent me a check for the extra money from the accident, so I kinda went cheap and outsourced repairs. That’s why my fender and bumper are still messed up. Oh well. It adds character? My cars resale value went from like $1600 to like… $A Box of Ramen and some Menthols… I still love her tho.

I reread the woes of my love life… Haahah I think my experiences made me messed up forever. When I was younger I used to be really REALLY dominant. I guess I still technically am, at least in my day to day life with work and taking care of groceries, paperwork, insurance claims, doctor’s appointments. I work hard to make sure those things are taken care of. In the bedroom, however, I like to be the submissive one. Like choke me, Daddy! I like to be the one that’s being dominated. I mean I guess in a way you could say subs have more control? Depends on how you look at it. I think my experience in the parking lot with Mr. Booty Call made me get excited by being pinned down. In case you don’t remember the Booty Call story, to make it short, he’s a guy I met up with on PlentyofFish, we met up in a parking lot to get something to eat but instead of food he just aggressively made out with me in my car to the point were I got scared. I think my brain got all broken that day, because now that sounds like a great idea, with my husband of course!

So many things are different about me now. I didn’t stick with the gym, and I tried Keto, and I haven’t been doing Keto this last week but I have to say that it works. It’s awesome. Do the research on Reddit. If you think it’s good for you then try it. Not for everyone but it’s good. Low carbs make you feel better.

I’ll have to update more later. Bye.

I started going to the Gym

I didn’t think I would ever say this, but I started going to the gym.

My weight ballooned up to 248 lbs (112.73 kg) and I’m not happy with it at all. I weighed about 205 lbs when I first got with Dean. I was pretty happy with my weight then, but they say a happy marriage will plump you up. It surely does, oh my Lord.

My husband and I got planet fitness memberships but we missed the cheap down payment so we ended up paying like $100 for everything bahaha. It gives us more inspiration to go though, so I’m not too upset. I started using the MyFitnessPal app to track how much I’m eating too, I I’m not eating like 2500+ calories a day like a psychopath. I hope by June I can get down to 220lbs and feel more confident with my summer body. I want to be back down to 205 by the end of the year.

So work out wise I realized a lot of my aversion to the gym was always overdoing cardio. I had asthma as a kid, and I didn’t always like gym because I had a hard time breathing. I don’t have a new inhaler currently so I have to be careful at the gym. Not over doing cardio makes me feel great. I feel like I can do so much more by weight lifting and such. I hope I can keep this up.


Dean and I have been together for a lil over 10 months bit we both decided that we want to spend the rest of our lives with each other. I do love him, and I’m in love with him and he feels the same way about me.

Of course we still bicker. Things aren’t perfect, but I love the progress we’ve made with eachother, and I know that all we can do is go up from here. We’ve built our apartment from the ground up. We went from nothing but couch and a couch cushion to sleep on to a full living room set and a dining room and an office with a fish tank, and a queen size bed and dressers and we got thermal curtains to keep the apartment cooler. My dad, aunt, and even my mom (with very minor things) has helped me transport furniture and gave us a few gifts. We’ve even been able to save a LOT of money and it’s come in handy for when I had to get a new starter for my car.

Well Dean proposed to me this morning. We picked out our rings together and have matching black and rose gold tungsten bands. We didn’t ask dad for his blesing yet, so I can’t be too open about it, but we are still planning on asking him and etc.

I’m kinda tipsy right now and I regret it. I drunk the wine too fast and feel sick. So if this had a lot of typos I’m sorry. Feels like I’m dying of alcohol poisoning (not really but I’m just bleh). My fiance is here comforting me even though I’ve been a meanie all night. He’s so good to me. We are planning on having the wedding in May after I get my associates on business degree.

Well just wanted to tell y’all the news. Love y’all. Be safe.

P.S. Bonus meme versions of ourselves and a pic from our journey to an old graffiti-ed bridge in my old neighborhood.

Because I Can’t Sleep

I don’t think I’ve mentioned this but I am officially moved in with my boyfriend Dean.

It’s been a lil rough and rocky, cause we are trying to make sure we are seated on a good lump of savings and figure out how we split up the bills. We have also both gained a lil weight and are going to the gym now. Gym is awful but we try to have fun. I’ve had a lot of trust issues, not because he’s given me a reason, but because I’ve been insecure and I want to be his like dream girl so he doesn’t look somewhere else. I think I’m overthinking all the time and it makes the changes hard. But I know he loves me. I need to write that more and believe it more.

I’m still doing a lot of self discovery. I realized a lot of issues in my childhood made me poorly adjusted but I know I can overcome them. I just need time.

I need to write more but I also need to try to sleep…. Got a new job and quit Walmart. I’m a cake decorator at Dairy Queen. I love it and they love me.

I made this dragon today and got a lot of compliments. It’s awesome.

Well goodnight people. Til we meet again.

Valentine’s Day Post

It’s Valentine’s Day, and so close to my 20th birth day I can’t believe it.

Things are really looking up for the apartment that Dean and I have. I’m still moving in in march, and I’m hella excited for it. We still don’t have a LOT but we gave enough for right now. And that works.

There really isn’t a better feeling right now, than getting to lay with the love of my life at a night. It’s wonderful. And I’m so proud of him for trying to get things toget her and findingredients a job, even if it’s crappy pay, and all the other little sweet things he does for me, like get me dinner and by sweets and stuffed animals and coloring books, and working hard to better himself so he can support the both of us. I love him to death. I feel bad when he says he feels like he doesn’t do enough for me when he does the most with the resources that he has.

I know we aren’t the model of a perfect relationship, but I feel like we are pretty damn close. And not because of what we do together, but that we focus on doing what works for us, and not trying to show off that we are perfect, we are just great for eachother…

I wish I would have finished this post the other night when I had all these emotions and love flowing through me. But I’m a bit tired today.

Y’all have a happy Valentine’s Day!


So Dean and I are trying to figure things out. We have a payment plan worked out. It’s a little Rocky but I think that we can do it.

It’s hard because I did sort of lose my temper over him just talking to me about it because he did it in a tone that sounded degrading made it sound like if I can’t put things on the table then he’ll find a different roommate. That’s a little harsh you know. I said before a lot that I want to make things work, and I know he’s not in a great position to fully support himself. But neither am I. Eck. Idk. I just want things to work without being horrible. I’m not so much worried about the money as I am about maintaining the relationship, cause this is very new to me. Hope it goes well.

While I’m At It

While I’m actually taking the time to update my blog and such, I might as well post about a few things while I am thinking about it.

So I have been trying to work on not being such a control freak. Like I realized I get really hard on others and myself for things that are out of my control and my aunt has been calling me a dictator about my boyfriend lately, so I want to back off. In which I realized backing off is hard because while he is an adult of course, but sometimes he is forgetful or doesn’t seem to want to do things or make decisions so I have to crawl up in his ass so he does something. I want to be encouraging but not controlling. But it’s hard to find that medium that is more encouraging than being a dictator.

I’m not even sure how to feel about it sometimes. Like I don’t know if I should just step out completely or if I should be there to make sure he is doing the right thing and be able to work as a team to move forward together. Eck.

I know this might be rough when we move in together, but I think it will be good, because then I can be sure that he can get to things like work, and classes, and other stuff and he doesn’t have to rely on other people, and I am in closer access so that I don’t have to drive to the edge of town and stuff. I think that we can help each other grow together if we are in closer contact with each other. I just have to work on being more patient and less sensitive, that’s the big issue on my part.

Hope all goes well. We will find out in March.