While I’m At It

While I’m actually taking the time to update my blog and such, I might as well post about a few things while I am thinking about it.

So I have been trying to work on not being such a control freak. Like I realized I get really hard on others and myself for things that are out of my control and my aunt has been calling me a dictator about my boyfriend lately, so I want to back off. In which I realized backing off is hard because while he is an adult of course, but sometimes he is forgetful or doesn’t seem to want to do things or make decisions so I have to crawl up in his ass so he does something. I want to be encouraging but not controlling. But it’s hard to find that medium that is more encouraging than being a dictator.

I’m not even sure how to feel about it sometimes. Like I don’t know if I should just step out completely or if I should be there to make sure he is doing the right thing and be able to work as a team to move forward together. Eck.

I know this might be rough when we move in together, but I think it will be good, because then I can be sure that he can get to things like work, and classes, and other stuff and he doesn’t have to rely on other people, and I am in closer access so that I don’t have to drive to the edge of town and stuff. I think that we can help each other grow together if we are in closer contact with each other. I just have to work on being more patient and less sensitive, that’s the big issue on my part.

Hope all goes well. We will find out in March.

School

Things have been a lot smoother since I made the decision to skip out on college choir for this semester. It’s mostly because I’ve decided to move in with my boyfriend in March, and I want the time to adjust to living with him, and that will be difficult with choir because of how demanding my professor is. It was awkward seeing the professor at Walmart and he asked me if I was going to be in choir, to which I responded no, and then he kinda made a funny face. I said I might consider next semester, but it all depends on how I have been feeling.

So far I like all of my classes. They seem to be centered in self betterment and self improvement, and that’s something I’ve been trying to do, albeit slowly. I do want to shape up before moving in with my honey because I think that emotionally I am not in a good place to handle like stress and conflict and other such issues. But I do want to make things work with babe and to have a good life. I want to be able to have guests over and have a good time.

But I don’t think school is going to be too overly difficult. It seems like it’s mostly going to be a lot of little assignments and attending class and I think that will be easier. I just want to be able to graduate and earn a degree so I can go on to be certified in medical tech professions. I hope everything goes according to plan.

Well…

I’m not really sure what to talk about right now. I know there are a few things I need to go in depth about but I don’t know if I have the patience to cover everything. All I know is that right now I’m hella bored and still at Dean’s. I WISH HE’D WAKE UP AND LOVE ON ME. But it’s fine lol. I think I should be getting my new phone today too and I’m excited for that. I kinda wish this week was over though. I’ve been super crampy and hurting and I feel horrible. I know tomorrow my friends want to play dirty Santa and etc. And then I will be playing dirty Santa with my family on Christmas. 

The great thing will be my mom hosting Christmas this year and her place. She usually never gets me anything on Christmas and says she has no money to (liar) but since she wants everyone to come over I wonder if she got little gifts this time. I meant it doesn’t have to be much. It’s the thought that counts. 

But anyway I’m going to be bringing Dean along for the holidays and that should be fun, I hope. My dad seems to like him enough and I hope my mom doesn’t freak out about me bringing him. Hopefully Dean gets to meet my brother too, I think my brother will like him, but he’ll probably crush Dean like a soda can πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

There is just like so much going through my head, but like nothing at the same time. Babe said he was gonna get up and cook eggs but he’s still out, so I guess I’ll make them… Maybe. Idk. I’m just bored. 

Ugh

I don’t even know where to begin. I had a post that was supposed to talk about me losing my virginity because in context to the rest of this blog, that’s a pretty big deal. But my phone broke, and I’m using my boyfriend’s phone to update my blog, and hell I thought I’d made a post about him but I guess not. 
Like I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHERE TO BEGIN ANYMORE. 
I SUCK AT BLOGGING NOW. 

But I digress. So instead of trying to back track in detail I’ll just tell you what’s up as quickly as possible. 

After the target parking lot incident I lost my virginity on February 23rd to a short, fiery mechanic. It was a stupid situation, because the guy was a ho and was in an open relationship. None the less we didn’t mess round much more after that, but instead we were more like friends, he helped me out plenty of times with flat tires and an oil change, and we’d hang out, go to car shows and he invited me to a cook out. He’s not a bad cook. Anyway the kid was trouble, but I don’t regret having sex with him. He’s even said that he thought I shouldn’t have lost my virginity to him, and I should have saved it for someone special. You know? He’s not a bad guy. 

Well after messing around with him I talked to some other people on Meet Me, none of them went well. I deleted Meet Me for a while. An old friend came down and visited and encouraged me to get the app again. So I did. I messed around with this guy (who I term the Roach Boy) and he was flithy and tried to like diss me for not wanting to date him and shit. I regret fucking this guy. I so regret it. Cause it was a mistake that could have messed me and my future partner up had I not fixed it. 

And well while I was talking to the Roach Boy I was still on Meet Me talking to another guy. He was really cool to talk to cause we like a lot of the same music and stuff. That cool guy is my boyfriend now. We’ll call him Dean. Dean’s really sweet and he honestly reminds me a lot of myself in some ways, and that’s a trait I usually don’t look for in a guy, is someone like myself. But he’s funny, and sweet, and informational, and weird, and he’s perfect in the most imperfect ways and I love him. We’ve been together since August 1st. Even though it’s been a short time, we went through A LOT in these past few months and I wouldn’t trade him for the world. We are supposed to be moving in together a lot sooner than we previously anticipated, because of issues with his current roommate, and I’ll be replacing his roommate in his current apartment in March. We’re excited and hopefully this will be a good step in our relationship as well as the rest of our lives. And well, we are both still works in progress and we have a lot of ground to make up for him, as well as a lot of college to finish for me, but I think we can make it somewhere, hopefully. 

I’ve been at Walmart for about a year and a half now. Way longer than I thought I’d stay there. I tried to transfer out of the bakery cause of a lot of problems we had there, but the problems died down, and I’m still there. My favorite coworker and close friend, Fenney, ran away to Alabama so her husband could continue college. I’m not sure if I have her a name before but she is my favorite pink haired cake decorating queen and I will miss her dearly. I have to send her a Christmas present soon. I hope her and her husband and daughter do well and have a good life. And if I ever need to, I can run away to Alabama and Fenney said she’ll have a couch for me πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚πŸ˜‚

My old poot Honda is still kicking even though she tried to die on me a month or so ago. She’s a good girl. 

Right now I’m laying on the bed on babe’s phone while he plays Counterstrike like the dweeb he is. My chest kinda hurts, cause the weather here in Oklahoma is being bipolar as hell. 

I’ll try to update y’all better in the future. Peace, love, and crabs 😎😘

I Have to be the Worst Blogger

I am like the most inconsistent person on the face of the planet. Well maybe not really, buuuuut I still wish I could up date my blog a little faster, cause a lot has happened since July. Like I actually have a steady boyfriend that I’ve had for 2 months now!

I know, like what???? I have a boyfriend, and he’s real and not an asshole (intentionally) and he treats me well and buys me flowers! Like I think he is my love, like my other half. But we haven’t been dating for Β long enough to really know that but with him it feels like we’ve known each other forever.

I’ll have to make a separate post about him though so I can thoroughly discuss this kid, cause he deserves his own post.

But I will catch y’all up on a few other things that happened in between.

 

Love y’all!

Moving Out

First things first I need to tell y’all about living with Kanday (not Candy, remember) and Leona! It’s been real. It’s been fun. But it hasn’t been real fun. Haha just kidding. But we have had our fair share of struggles, and let me explain why.

#1 Moving In
While it only took two car fulls (in my Honda, mind you) to get all my stuff from my dad’s house to here, it was tiring. Packing and unpacking is hard and stressful for me, so it took me a while to settle in. And well when I started to unpack my clothes and put the socks in the raggedy purple dresser, I discovered a plethra of toe nails in the top drawer!! Like really!! You know when you open a drawer too fast and all it’s contents slide forward on you? Well that’s what the toenails did!!!!! my soul basically left my BODY when I saw them scooting around in the drawer. I immediately located a vacuum cleaner and sucked them outta there. And don’t even get me started on the mattress in my room. A combo of red paint and blood stains speckled the mattress… I really don’t want to know who made them, but the mattress was definitely lysol-ed down for safety. I’ve been unsuccessful at removing the stains however. The only other anomaly in the room happens to be the wardobe, which is a bit poorly assembled so it leans forward slightly, forcing me to stick a small box in front of it to keep it from falling over and crushing me in my sleep. However, I have rearranged my room so it’s not in line with my bed now but it could kill my betta fish Prince Phillip so but I still inspect it and load it carefully so it doesn’t tip.

#2 House Quality
When I first moved in there was no refrigerator…. Somehow Leona and Kanday have survived a couple of months without it…. But how? The old fridge broke and the process of getting a new fridge was tough, cause the warehouse was giving them problems. However, no fride sucks, like a lot. “Oh you want to get cereal?” Too f***ing bad cause you can’t keep any extra milk lying around!! “Oh you wanna cook dinner tonight? Where the h*** are the leftovers gonna go? You wanna buy an icebox? And so on. No fridge can be a bit limiting, especially here in Oklahoma when the variable weather makes it hard to preserve things naturally.

The toilet was also hardly working when I first moved in. The rubber flapper was messed up and my dad came and fixed it. He also fixed the shower too by purchasing a new shower head for us and installing it, cause the old one was too oxidized for water to flow through properly. However my dad couldn’t fix the low hot water pressure because that is coming directly out of the water heater, and the pipes would be too difficult for him to replace alone. So really the water takes forever to heat up and the pressure is low, low, low… but I guess there are worse things. We also got a new dishwasher and it helps especially since the hot water was temporarily disconnected in the kitchen sink, which made it damn near impossible to wash greasy dishes. I would fill a container with hot water from the bathroom and bring it to the kitchen just to wash dishes…

When I first moved in, every morning when I woke up my eyes would be crusted up, almost like when you have pink eye… But I didn’t have pink eye. I couldn’t figure it out at first. Was it the bed?! I had no idea. Rubbing all that crust out of my eye every morning got tiresome and excessive fast, so I eventually brought the problem up with my brother. He came over and told me I probably needed a new air filter. We pulled the old one out of the furnace with nearly a centimeter thick dust layer on both sides!! It was terrifying! We quickly got a new filter and my brother vacuumed the vents. It took a few days but since then my eyes have nit been crusty in the morning.

Overall the house needs some deep cleaning… Especially the moldy bathtub… But things could be worse.

#3 The Roommates
While I love Leona and Kanday to death, and I mean really I do, they are funny and sweet people with vibrant personalities. They can be a handful though. For example, Kanday’s boyfriend Paco is always over. He’s basically like another roommate. And don’t get me wrong, he’s cool as hell and I like hanging out with him at the house, but one day he brought FOUR DOGS to the house and told no one!! Don’t get me wrong, he got the dogs cause he loves them and wanted to take care of them but he shouldn’t have brought them over here. He has his own place he could have brought them to. Other than the occasional slip up, he’s a lot neater than Kanday. She can be pretty messy and doesn’t always clean up after herself. I mean she does sometimes, but not everytime. It gets annoying. Leona is really the only sensible one in the house but even her emotional outbursts can be a little much at times. However for the most part, I can retreat to my messy room and sleep for ages if needed be, a pleasure I was not granted living with my dad.

Overall
Overall I actually really appreciate that they have giving me a chance to experience living outside of my dad’s house and get a new taste of freedom I haven’t felt before. I believe this will be a great eye opener and learbing lesson for me (I have literally lost 15lbs living here from starving to death, due to my poor budgeting skills). With this freedom I have made some dumb decisions already, but I still see those as learning lessons too. I’m excited to progress through college and hopefully get financially stable enough to live on my own in a couple of years!

Woes of my Love Life Pt 1: The Target Parking Lot

In order to not overwhelm myself about what has happened to my lovelife in the past 4 months, I’m going to give you pieces in small increments, so that you have time to digest.

WARNING: THIS STORY GETS PRETTY GRAPHIC AND IS NOT MEANT FOR READERS UNDER 18.

So upon moving out I got more active on dating apps, namely MeetMe and POF (PlentyofFish). Most of the time it resulted in weird guys, or guys who I thought would be amazing, but they disappeared (Screw those dirty swines).

Well I met this one guy on POF who just so happened to be…… wait for it… dun dun DUN my booty caller from when I was 16!!!!

wait WHAT?

Yes. I had a guy, who would try to call me and get me to hang out with him at night, and looking back, I am SO glad I didn’t see him back then, because I wouldn’t have known how to handle myself. We are gonna give this guy a name: B.C., short for Booty Caller of course. Well I remembered B.C. on PoF, but he didn’t exactly remember me. I look a LOT different than I did back then though. Got lil fatter and I had weave in the time bahah.

Well anyway we are chit chatting for a while and decide to meet up…. In the Target parking lot. Idk why I even agreed to this. It was late at night in the middle of like January? I think? I drove out to the parking lot and waited for him. He pulled up next to me and we both got out of the car. He was kinda tall, like maybe 6’3″? And his face was kinda odd… Like he looked like the Crimson Chin from the Fairly Odd Parents. But I was like whatever I can ignore that (I mean hell my chin sticks out a lot too). We say hi, and I walk up to hug him and he tries to start kissing me right off the bat. I held my hand up to block his mouth and told him to slow down.

He apologized and when he asked whose car we should get in I quickly responded MINE so I wouldn’t risk the chance of getting locked in his car. Well we get in my car and he immediately tries to start kissing me again. I tell him to calm down cause I still wanna talk and at least try to get to know him before he slides his tongue down my throat? You know?

So we chat. He tells me he is from Brazil and he graduated when he was 16 and went to college and all this other junk. He told be about how he got sweatpants off some famous rapper cause he out rapped him in a rap battle….. Like not even making this up. He apparently out rapped a famous rapper and got his sweatpants. Like who the f*** does this? Why is this a thing? Well I ask him what was the rap, and he raps for me. He wasn’t bad, but I wouldn’t say it was much to brag about either… So I listened to his rap and he tried to start kissing me again so I gave in and started kissing him back, cause why not? So we are making out and junk in the car and he’s like kissing me and biting my neck like really hard. Literally. I thought I was in some kind of vampire movie, and I die cause he left an open flesh wound in my neck and I bled to death hahahahah. Not really but really. I tried to make a point that he was biting too hard but he didn’t listen.

Well I just couldn’t shake the feeling that this is wrong so I told him I want to stop making out for a while and talk more. So we talked about tv shows and other stuff but he would keep cutting me off to kiss me. And he told me my eyes were beautiful and all this other nonsense, like “I wanna make you my girl” and “I want to take you back to my place” between kisses. I wasn’t really buying it though.

But anyway we are making out pretty hard core and I’m enjoying it for the most part……… Til he pulls his dick out…… This caught me pretty off guard because to be quite honest I’d avoided touching any guys dick up til this point, even my ex’s. So in my head I’m mentally screaming. But because we are still making out, I grab his dick and start giving him a handjob… I just didn’t know what to do! I was so in shock I just did what my first instinct told me to do. He was pretty fuzzy, but he was atleast a decent size although for being as tall as he was I expected him to be a little bigger but I digress. Soon he started being all like “you wanna say hi to my little friend?” And was trying to make me go down on him, and I was like “no… No I don’t want to meet your friend” but he kept trying to push my head down. I fought it off though, and got out of going down on him hehheh.

Well we made out some more while I was stroking but I felt uncomfortable and I asked him to put it away. Surprisingly he did. And we talked a lil but more. He seemed kinda irritated but he was good about hiding it, until he lunged from his seat over into my seat, and I mean really LUNGED LIKE A VAMPIRE into my seat and was biting the life out of my neck. Like really sucking the soul out of me. 😂😂 And he stuck his hand down my pants and was fingering me. And to be honest, it was really hot, and it had me moaning pretty loud, which didn’t help the fact that I didn’t want to have sex with this guy, in my car, in the target parking lot… So after a bit of having the soul bitten out of my neck, I told him I REALLY wanted to go home. And he said okay. But then he asked if I could “walk him to his car” even though he was parked one spot away from me… But I agreed, so we got out of my car and I went to hug him. And he pinned me up hard against my car and started bitting my neck again and grabbing my ass in the middle of the parking lot……….

He left. And he didn’t leave a hickey on ny neck, he left a bite mark. Like he bit me so hard he bruised my neck all up, and it was swollen. I never met up with him again even though he hit me up constantly. It took my a solid month but I called him a ho and told him he doesn’t really want a relationship, he just wants a booty call, and I’m not that person.

Needless to say, my experiences only goes downhill from here haha.

My Shirt Came in the Mail

Yesterday, I received the greatest gift known to mankind. I received my Peanut Butter Gamer Zelda Month t shirt in the mail. I swear I literally ordered this shirt like a month ago. I was like “what the hell, it’s been like 10 days since I ordered it. Where is my email that says it is being shipped?” So I emailed them and asked “where it at doe?” (Not really lol) but at the time I had emailed them, they went on like Thanksgiving break which lasted for like a solid week or something.

So I’m just like “welp, I have been robbed by the internet” and nearly admitted defeat. But alas, out of the darkness of my email inbox, I found it. An email, apologizing for the inconvenience, and the website explained to me that the shirts arrive 5-10 days AFTER the sale online has ended, not directly after you order it. Following the apology was a paragraph saying that my shirt has been sent. My faith was rebuilt  with hopes that my shirt would find its way home to me. There was even a number to track my package! I was ecstatic.

So about every other day I would track the package. And one day it said that my package had been misdelivered to the wrong city in Oklahoma. There are really only like 4-5 “big” cities in Oklahoma…. And I’m in one of them? How could you send it to some place nobody has ever heard of? How? My shirt!! So at this point I am just like whatever. I am just not meant to have this shirt.

So this brings us to yesterday. I have been packing up to hopefully and successfully move out of my dad’s house and live with my friends, Leona and Kanday (not Candy, there real names are actually very similar, so I have to make them similar here). I while packing I decided to watch YouTube (my favorite past time). I was watching Balloonshop’s old videos, something I used to watch with Annie all the time when we were younger. I then stumbled upon Olan Rogers channel again, one of the 3 guys from the Balloonshop videos. I decided to watch his video logs because his stories were just so hilarious. One in particular that I had watched was called “The Package Delivery” which is were he tells a story about how he was waiting for a package in the mail that he had to sign for, but he wanted to take a shower because he didn’t think the deliveryman would show up so early. Well long story short he runs out of the shower with bubbles and cat hair all on him and he is wearing tank top as pants. While watching this video (and dying of laughter), I think to myself, “Where is MY package??!!” and I check the tracking number again. And it says, that it has been delivered.

I’m like what?????????

I know it was just a t-shirt but I was expecting a box or something. Idk. Anyway it’s in the mail box. And I am like jumping for joy. Behold. My shirt I waited an eternity for has arrived.
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And…. That is how I finally got my shirt in the mail. Hooray. I got it from theyetee.com btw, they have pretty cool shirts, so I would check it out.

Eleanor Rigby

Lately I have honestly felt down. I believe the cause for my bad mood has been the fact that I feel like I have lost my best friend.

For a while there Marie had been my closest friend, and she knew everything about me. She was my shoulder to cry on emotionally and I honestly owe her so much for that. But after a while I felt like I was just kind of a burden, and I hoped to return the favor, only she wouldn’t let me. She isn’t the type of person to open up to people and I feel like that’s hurt me because I wanted to be able to return the favor for her… And I felt like I was too unworthy to be told what was bothering her, like she would tell other people and not me.

And I know I should not let things like this hinder or bother me, but it’s honestly hard. I have become so socially dependent on people that it is ruining my state of mind. Like I feel as if I need other people’s approval and interaction to feel satisfied with myself. I do not often applaud myself based on my own achievements. I feel like I have to be important to other people to feel important to myself. I am an extroverted person, and I thrive off of contact with people. But I guess I am just two dependent on this interaction. I feel way too lonely at times and I feel that I have no one with my age or similar way of thinking to share my feelings with.

Social media isn’t much help either. I can be a jealous person. Like if you have something I don’t have, I want it. If you are internet famous, I want to be internet famous. If you have a lot of cool friends, I want a lot of cool friends. It can be hard to ignore because I use social media to distract myself, so I do not dwell on a problem, much like I am doing right now. My mind is always racing and it can lead me into dark places.

It has also been hard since I started the birth control. Sometimes my emotions feel out of control and I am prone to crying incredibly easy at times, like it wasn’t already easy to make me cry before. It gets hard dealing with some of the things that go on in my head because sometimes it brings tears with it.

What I feel like I am trying to do now is find a new best friend and I know that is wrong. I just haven’t found a way to cope with my dependency issues yet. I just don’t fancy being lonely, but I am going to have to figure that out.

I guess this post was just more of a cry for help than anything else, but the first step to fixing a problem is admitting that you have one.